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Showing posts from 2017

Am I enough?

Am I enough? The deepest part of me feels like I’ll never be enough. Anywhere. I can comb my hair one thousand times. Not enough. I can stoke my makeup brush against my scarred face for an hour. Still not enough. I can drive across to town to see you on a rainy night, just to make you do that little chuckle you do when something I say isn’t funny but your'e too protective to tell me that it’s not. But is it enough? NO. I can TAKE YOU UNDER MY WING, BOOST YOUR SELF ESTEEM, and give you a reason to feel loved and appreciated. Still not enough. Why do I have to sacrifice so much of myself to make you happy when I don’t see that reciprocated in your behavior? WICKED. What is it about me that keeps me so secluded? I mean, love comes in all forms but I’ll never be good enough to grow in your garden. I’ll never be good enough to sit and your table and eat the finest meals the restaurant has to offer. I’ll never be good enough to get a birthday card with “I love you wif...

Adding Rain to a Waterfall

Adding Rain to a Waterfall Why am I doing this with you? My presence is pointless. For the mere fact that I am not her. I can talk the talk, walk the walk, but I still can’t be her. My lips are not hers, my hips are not hers. I don’t have her smile, nor do I have her sweet giggle. But you have me here. And why? Why do you feel like I need to be here? When you look at me, do you see a reflection of everything you want? No. So don’t keep me here. Don’t make me feel like I’m important when you really have everything you already needed. But gosh, I do wish I was needed. I wish my absence would turn the waters of your life and create a tsunami. I wish my presence would mean something. But right now, it means nothing. You already have something similar to me, but better. Something that is appeasing to your never ending constant cycle of dysfunction. Why add rain to a waterfall? I just want to know. I mean, yes. I am useful to a soul lying in the desert. Some soul out there searches fo...

A walk in the Jungle.

Sometimes I have to just stop thinking about what I want to write and actually just start writing! Sometimes my emotions are all over the place and I don’t know who to turn to and who can make it better. But I know that it’s okay. Because I have this keyboard, and I have these thoughts. Even if you don’t understand, you’ll at least know how I feel. And right now this is how I feel. I am walking on this path with no guidance and no protection. Why am I doing this alone? Why is no one on this journey with me? How come I can’t come home to someone and tell them about my bad day and get a foot rub because I’ve worked so hard and I deserved it? Now I admit, I turn so many guys down a day and then some I only talk to because I don’t want to feel alone. I know it sounds bad but it’s the honest truth. And that’s what this blog is about, my truth. I want someone special. Someone to appreciate all the things AMBER comes with. It’s not always just good looks and a giggly attitude. It’s much more...

Locked.

Why do I feel like this? Like I’m secluded. How am I supposed to be a good friend to you yet you act as if I don’t exist. And it’s not just you. It’s all of you. Why do I have to beg to be included in your world? We’ve been doing this for years now yet, I have to scream and shout for you to realize I care? Why do I have to guess and wonder from the outside? I’m standing right outside your window of life. You keep telling me that I’m invited inside anytime but when I go to turn the knob the door is locked. But then you yell at me for not entering the house. I’m trying to explain to you that the door is locked. I want to come in but I can’t. I’m standing at this door all alone. Now, I admit. I can be selfish. In fact I’m more likely to be selfish than generous. But that’s because when I was introduced to someone like you, I didn't want to lose it. But why won’t you let me in? Is it because you think I’m too stuck in my own world to realize what’s happening in yours? Why do I have to...

Thunderstorms.

Usually these kinds of stories come planned. But you weren’t. You came out of the blue and created an entire thunderstorm. You know how people view thunderstorms. People are afraid of them because they are so powerful and can cause so much disruption. Thunderstorms can literally kill people. Some days they are small, some days they are strong. But all the time they are dangerous. They can create strong winds and tornadoes. They produce lightening. It kills. But just how most people would rather not have thunderstorms, there are good things about them. With thunderstorms usually comes rain. Rain is so soothing to the soul. The sound of thunderstorms are so eluding to life’s problems. Thunderstorms become the main focus to distract you from the negative things going on around you. And that’s how I see you. You distract me from my problems. I feel alone a great portion of the time. Except those times. Your story intrigues me. And this was not a part of my plan. It upsets me. I’m usually ...

Death

So when we think about our deaths, what do we normally think about? We think about things like diseases such as cancer and diabetes. We think of high blood pressure. We think of natural disasters, car crashes, and maybe even getting shot. But you know the one single thing that is just as equally disastrous as all those other things that we NEVER think about when it comes to death? Love. Yup, love. How can love kill you one might ask? Honestly in many ways. And really, people think we can avoid that disaster but love is just like any other life-threatening disease, there are ways to try prevent it but there’s really no way of stopping it. When it comes, it comes full force. Is there a way of curing it though? Well, time could be the cure for love but that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is to tell you how I feel about this disease called love. Love. Love. Love. Why do people allow themselves to be SO vulnerable? That’s all love is. Vulnerability. I mean, we know we...

A Letter to my Man

“No matter how far I go, no matter how long it takes, no one or nothing can change, forever yours here I stand.” Dear Black Man, Why is it that you cannot commit to this beautiful black woman? I mean, we hold you down don’t we? You want me to stand by your side through thick and thin right? But oh god, I dare not say the forsaken word: marriage . As soon as you hear the word you go running! I am just simply confused. What is it about marriage that scares you? I mean I can be with you for over ten years but you think things will change if we get married. UMM HELLO, it’s called BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. Relationships are not fun and games forever. Yeah, there are great times in relationships and ideally everyone would love to have fun with their partner every single day but that’s just not going to be the case, ever. People grow, People change. Can’t deal with it? STAY SINGLE. I mean I would really respect you much more if you would just admit that you aren’t ready for the commitme...

Live Your Truth

“Live your truth and stop settling for less than you deserve because it makes you temporarily happy.” What is my truth? I’ve been asking myself this for a very long time. All I know is that I haven’t been living it. I pretend that I am living because of temporary happiness, which most of us do. We pretend. We settle for less because we know it’s making us happy for the moment. But what is our truth? We can label ourselves as many things but is it true? Okay, I’ll tell you guys a little story about myself. I’m only twenty three years old. I was dating someone for a number of years (I know, I’m so young to be dating someone for years… but that has significance to the story). So anyways, I really loved this guy, I loved being around him, I loved smelling his scent and I just couldn’t be away from him for too long. But with this comes my territorial issues. I am very possessive to say the least when I find someone that I can completely be myself around (as this is a hard task for ...