Strange Epiphanies.

 I am truly in love with you. 


I love you enough to know that I’m not ready for you, I’ve caused you so much damage and for that I’m truly sorry. I’m in a weird spot with my feelings for you because on one hand, I KNOW you are the love of my life and I want nothing more than eternal bliss with you. 


On the other hand, I’ve caused you so much pain and have done things that have damaged your perception of me that I know for a fact I’m not ready to change. There are just certain things and people in my life that I absolutely am not ready to let go of. And because of that, I can’t be with you. 


But don’t for a second confuse that with me picking them over you. It’s merely a personal development hurdle that, if I’m being honest, is not something that I’ve been able to get over. You and I both know what I’m referring to. 


I’ve tried time and time again to let it go. I’m not going to make excuses. You always said that I lacked accountability. When really, I am accountable. I’m accountable for not being ready to face the noise. I’m not ready to change my life for the better. 


Because in a way, I crave the chaos. There are things linked to my childhood that have turned me into this monster that I’ve become. I’m holding on to hurt. And although I want to let go of the pain, I’m not ready to move on from it. I know this is destructive but I’m tired of holding it in. 


I want to let that pain go. 


I am saddened by the fact that I love you so deeply but I have to let you go because I’m not good for you. 

Popular posts from this blog

These Underwear Have Meaning

— When was the last time I’ve cleaned out my closet? Not the one where my graphic tees and sweats lie. The one where my broken friendships haven’t been removed. And my unhealed family traumas haven’t been folded. I’m trying to make space for new connections, And I haven’t even decluttered the dresser to my ex’s mistreatment. Even a bit scared to open the bins to self awareness. Because then, I’ll actually have to face my misconduct. So I keep the door shut, And hope you’ll accept my mess.
Read more

Skinny Dipping

I decided to take a dip in the pool, only to find out ALL these n***as are just like you. You see, It wasn’t about the shiny things  or the places you could take me, I just wanted you to date me, exclusively. When I ask why you don’t take me seriously, You get all reclusive and talk about how it used to be. Why is it that I’m begging you to show me some emotion, That’s something you’re not exposed to. But when I go out and do my own thing with other guys, You then realize, That you ain’t ready to lose me. Keep me just within arms reach, But far enough so I don’t get too attached. You rather go be with her, her, & her, as if the love between us can be matched. I’m so f*ckin tired of this merry-go-round you got me living in. The emotional roller coaster is too much to bear, So I rather just go sit in it. That pool with them other n**gas. Because at least with them, I ain’t gotta pretend, to be heartless, Or to let my soul spark shit, that’s never going nowhere.
Read more

I Hope This Finds You Well

Hey you, With your fine ass. You know I always compliment your skin, And how perfect you are, In the physical. But let me take this moment to show you some appreciation. When we first started out, I didn’t want more than an emotionally unavailable connection with you. But even you wouldn’t let it be just that. In a time where I was hurting, you gave me space. You even told me you recognize that I am going through my healing phase. Now, you could be just that damn toxic, but you’ve always handled me with care. Even when you confuse me with your actions. You see, it’s the little things you do for me that keep me invested. Like having a positive response to every defeat I have inside my own head. Showing me a new way to live and to be healthy. Pushing me to excerise and take care of my body. I was so mad at you for pushing me to my limit this one particular day, But I couldn’t even address it because I knew it was all for my improvement. Even when you don’t say anything, You build me up. ...
Read more