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Showing posts from 2023

Lost

Nobody told me that growing into a spiritual journey would feel like a death. Letting go of all that I know makes me feel like I’m selling out. Like I’m giving up on the people that were there for me during my struggles. It feels like I’m judging everybody and everything they do. Like I’m on a “high horse”. Like I think I’m better than everyone. It feels like I’m not giving people grace to be themselves.  When really, I’m just trying to fit in spaces where people don’t want to like me for who I am.  I said, I’m just trying to fit in spaces where people don’t want to like me for who I am.  So really am I judging?  Or am I surrounding myself in places that I’m not meant to be in. All my life it’s been so hard to feel connected. To my family. To my “friends”. And guilt creeps in. When I want to be left alone.  And I feel like I can’t trust the people that are closest to me.  I hope this never reaches them.  What’s real and what’s just really in my head?...

I Hope This Finds You Well

Hey you, With your fine ass. You know I always compliment your skin, And how perfect you are, In the physical. But let me take this moment to show you some appreciation. When we first started out, I didn’t want more than an emotionally unavailable connection with you. But even you wouldn’t let it be just that. In a time where I was hurting, you gave me space. You even told me you recognize that I am going through my healing phase. Now, you could be just that damn toxic, but you’ve always handled me with care. Even when you confuse me with your actions. You see, it’s the little things you do for me that keep me invested. Like having a positive response to every defeat I have inside my own head. Showing me a new way to live and to be healthy. Pushing me to excerise and take care of my body. I was so mad at you for pushing me to my limit this one particular day, But I couldn’t even address it because I knew it was all for my improvement. Even when you don’t say anything, You build me up. ...

Married to Isolation

 Smooth sailing is what they say right?  Well how come it feels like a high tide when I try to express myself to you. How come every statement has to be matched with a defense? Every time I try to express myself, I then become the bad guy. Why can’t you validate my feelings? You beg me to tell you how I feel… And then as soon as I do, you somehow become the victim in my story. Why do I have to play it safe to appease your ego? I’m exhausted from trying to swim in your oceans, While ignoring my own. Keep it simple and sweet. Yeah- I’ve tried going down that road, The driveway to a safer place. But yet, that seems to not be enough. When I take that detour, And give you just a piece of how I feel… Then I’m “keeping secrets”. And holding back. Now I’m showing you that I don’t trust you. And you’re right, I don’t. Because when I open up and become vulnerable with you, …. what happens? They say an insane person does the same thing and expects different results right? So yes I’d rath...