I Hope This Finds You Well

Hey you,

With your fine ass.

You know I always compliment your skin,

And how perfect you are,

In the physical.

But let me take this moment to show you some appreciation.

When we first started out,

I didn’t want more than an emotionally unavailable connection with you.

But even you wouldn’t let it be just that.

In a time where I was hurting, you gave me space.

You even told me you recognize that I am going through my healing phase.

Now, you could be just that damn toxic, but you’ve always handled me with care.

Even when you confuse me with your actions.

You see, it’s the little things you do for me that keep me invested.

Like having a positive response to every defeat I have inside my own head.

Showing me a new way to live and to be healthy.

Pushing me to excerise and take care of my body.

I was so mad at you for pushing me to my limit this one particular day,

But I couldn’t even address it because I knew it was all for my improvement.

Even when you don’t say anything,

You build me up.

Don’t think for a second that I don’t see your magnitude.

But it’s just so damn hard to get past that exterior wall you have built up.

And you’re contact with me is so inconsistent.

Which makes it even harder for me to decipher if you want more from me, or if you want us to go our separate ways.

Because we can’t go on like this.

And that brings me to my next point.

I know I always say I never imagined things to be this way,

But I’ve been so used to toxic love that I don’t even know how to respond to you. 

Maybe you just care about me and I’m doing that overthinking thing that I love to do. 

Whatever it is, I want you to know this:

I thank you for the way you’ve been to me.

Thank you for protecting me and taking care of me while I’m in your presence.

Thank you for not judging me for the actions you know to be true.

And thank you for opening up in the ways you have.

I’m sorry for continuously coming in and out of your life like a revolving door. 

Even if you forgive me for it, it doesn’t make it right.

I want you to know that I’ve been trying to improve myself.

And make better changes.

Not for a man, but for me.

And so sometimes that means doing something I find very hard to do:

Letting go.

If this isn’t going to be more than what it is now,

I need to make space,

for a love that’s here to stay.

You might be asking where I stand in all this,

But I wouldn’t be writing this letter if I wasn’t interested in this progression.

I need you to know:

This doesn’t mean that I’m fully committed to a love.

But in order for me to invite that energy,

I need to preserve the storage of love I have within me.

So that I can give my all to love.

And if that isn’t you,

I’ll be sad but I’ll have to move on.

I hope you understand.

With love,

Amber.