Lost

Nobody told me that growing into a spiritual journey would feel like a death.


Letting go of all that I know makes me feel like I’m selling out.


Like I’m giving up on the people that were there for me during my struggles.


It feels like I’m judging everybody and everything they do.


Like I’m on a “high horse”.


Like I think I’m better than everyone.


It feels like I’m not giving people grace to be themselves. 


When really, I’m just trying to fit in spaces where people don’t want to like me for who I am. 


I said,


I’m just trying to fit in spaces where people don’t want to like me for who I am. 


So really am I judging? 


Or am I surrounding myself in places that I’m not meant to be in.


All my life it’s been so hard to feel connected.


To my family. To my “friends”.


And guilt creeps in.


When I want to be left alone. 


And I feel like I can’t trust the people that are closest to me. 


I hope this never reaches them. 


What’s real and what’s just really in my head? 


I think I have this battle within myself more than most.


So we can label it “overthinking”.


I’ve allowed myself to be physical with people who don’t give a f*ck about me.


Literally giving them a piece of my being with each and every stroke!


& then I can’t even get consistent communication from these niggas. 


Why?


I guess because of the temporary validation that they gave/give me.


& then even when I know the shit isn’t real I STILL give them the time of day. 


But see, my problem is:


I’ve been waiting for that official closing moment from a lot of people.


You know,


That “we’re not friends anymore” moment.


Or that “I don’t need you” moment.


When really, that’s the part about spiritual growth…


Realizing it doesn’t happen that way.


Which is why it feels like a death. 


We don’t know when it’s coming. 


Sometimes the signs are there,


But ultimately we never really know when it’ll happen. 


Waiting for that moment of closure may never happen.


But it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. 


Death to some is a loss.


Death to others is an awakening. 


Unlocking another level of an eternal life.


So losing the ones closest to me feels like a death. 

And I’m not sure I know how to process it.  

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